I live

Another year begins without you...

Tears can't bring you back

nor ease this pain

i live...

Wish i could hear you

feel you once..

Miss you...

No beginning, no end

The year refuses to end. It even refuses to accept that it had ever begun. It's when one is in this state of so-called transition from one period of time to the other that one actually realizes the fact that time is just a man-made concept. Your heart does not beat to the rhythm of a clock. It wanders beyond all man-made boundaries trying to understand what lies beyond those boundaries. Chaos leads to yet more chaos. Yet somewhere in all the chaos is utmost calm and serenity.

Finding me

Listless, I drag myself through the routine - home to office; office to home. I bow down but am not defeated. Some hyperactive part of the brain keeps churning out thoughts which try to weigh me down. But then, every cell in my body fights against this and lifts me high off the ground. I look at myself from up there and realize i will be alright...i will be alright

Another diwali

Another year, another diwali.

Every year along with the lamps, lights, sweets and crackers come these sweet memories which have become the only interesting part of diwali for me. It is the special people who make occasions called festivals so special. My dad loved all festivals, especially diwali. Every memory of this festival is associated with him. His child-like enthusiasm was so endearing. He didn't mind spending above his means on fireworks. I remember having the most and the best crackers amongst my friends. The sleepless nights before we went for the diwali shopping trips, the excitement in the air - all seems like yesterday!

After many years, when i could not be with him for diwali, he would call and excitedly inquire about the fireworks i had purchased. He still had the same enthusiasm for the festival, though i had lost it somewhere down the line. I used to feign some excitement for him. Today, i have lost that reason also.

Anna, corruption and some immature doubts

Anna & corruption: I hear and see these words everywhere. Just few weeks ago these words were rarely heard, but one could definitely experience the second word in all walks of life. In spite of being omnipresent it had the ability to remain invisible and most of us just refused to acknowledge it. But now, all of a sudden its status has changed; its presence is being accepted. Many are even terming it a villain and voicing against it? Where were all these people all these days? If these many people are against corruption then how come it seeps into every thread of our existence? Is this movement really about corruption? Do the people want a change or are they just giving vent to their frustration about everything?

So, Jan lokpal bill will make politicians and bureaucrats accountable. Well & good! The joint committee to draft the Jan lokpal bill will have 50% government participation and 50% public participation. That also, well & good! However, what i don't understand is that why do we assume that it is only the powerful ones like the ministers or the bureaucrats that are corrupt. Fifty percent public participation does not guarantee anything. The public in India is no different from its representatives. We are an unabashedly corrupt lot. At every walk of our life we sell our conscience for pennies. A bill to make the government accountable maybe a step forward but what about the attitude of the people? What kind of bill can change that?

Everyday while commuting i come across bus conductors who take lesser charge from the commuters and pocket the money by not issuing tickets. Here, not only is the conductor corrupt but also the commuter who does not mind being corrupt for a sum as meager as Rs 1 or 2. In a city where hundreds and thousands of autos ply, very rarely, you find an auto with a meter that is not tampered. These are just few examples. Corruption is rampant at every place, right from your house to your place of worship. Really, can't tell if it percolates downwards or seeps upwards through osmosis but it does reach everywhere.

Corruption is in our blood. How do we take it out of our system? Correcting a wrong is always right...but the question is, who corrects whom when all are equally wrong?

strange love

I never expected the quest for love to be such a lonely journey. In my search i have left most behind. Familiar faces have become faint and all seem strangers. Lover is a stranger...love is strange. I look at the mirror and a stranger stares back at me...

Obssssessed

i can't let go yet. i still can't understand how a life can end. What about the identity? The childhood, the youth, the life. Death baffles ...i know, it always will. When i can accept many mysteries of life then why does this bother me so much? i just can't get over the futility of everything...it is not a pessimistic outlook... but how else do i describe this? Death is a reality, maybe the only one. Yet i won't accept it.....i can't accept it...

Near or far

Can i measure the distance between him and me? Should the distance be measured in space or time? One may live with a person under the same roof but the distance between the two might be the greatest. When the bodies are together one could be the furthest away from the other.

It works the other way round also. When i close my eyes i feel his breath on my face but isn't he in another state? Distance and time are no barriers. In fact, they are the carriers. Again, how do i measure the distance between him and me?

D..D..D..D..D..D..D..Dilli

Five days is too short a time to know a city but the place does demand lot more than just a mention in my blog. I close my eyes and think about my five days in dilli. Instantly, some images flash in my mind - the metro rail, good looking people, lecherous men, vastness of the place, the food at kaakke da hotel and the scorching heat. Everything in dilli seems large - large hearted & large-bellied punjabis. Ah yes! another thing that struck me was that there were sardars everywhere ( which is but natural but being from bangalore, one does not get to see these many sardars).
The excitement of travelling to a place on an official trip had not been much as it had meant leaving my dear one behind. But the trip turned out to be loads of fun. Thanks to the company my company had provided me. I also met some interesting people there. The coarse attitude of delhiites was fascinating. 'Gaalis' and aggression were in free flow. Sweet words and politeness had no place here. The 'laaton ke bhoot baaton se nahi maante' funda was definitely coined by some poor hassled person living in dilli.
If all were unanimous about one thing, that was that the girls in delhi were pretty. One guy went on to add "no wonder the crime rates are so high in delhi". But the baffling aspect was that the men in delhi were mostly lechers. They stared at you, stared at you and then stared at you some more till you felt something was terribly wrong or right with you. With so much beauty around, can we blame the beasts?
There was no crunch for space. Wide roads, huge houses, breathtaking malls - all was large scale. The metro service was damn impressive. We just loved hopping in and out of metro trains.
We paid a visit to the parantha gali in chandni chowk. The whole experience was good, though i can't say the same about the paranthas. The food at kaakke da hotel was awesome. The highlight was having a delicacy called gurda kapoore, which, by the way, i got to know later were goat's kidneys and testicles. Poor goats! Poor me! Considering the attitude of the men in delhi it would have been more appropriate to have a dish made out of their kapoores instead.
I got back from the hot, thriving, bustling capital city of our country to the cold, laidback, chaotic IT capital of india with a mixed feeling of sadness and joy. I felt sad that i was losing my free space, metro and the thrill of being a tourist. I was happy to get back to friends and family, familiar attitudes and terrains. As i got down at bangalore station and got the first blast of the cool air I was happy i was back but somewhere i had left a bit of my dil in dilli.

Update

After a long time I open my blog and force myself to scribble. But what? Nothing seems to interest me. Is it that i am becoming insensitive to the happenings around me? Maybe, i am too engrossed in myself(which is not unusual). Anyways, i usually do write only about me, i, myself...
Lot is happening. In fact, both personally and professionally, my life is at a crucial juncture. But i feel nothing. This numbness seems to have taken over my brain. I just can't think or remember. In a way, it's good. Let me just keep my eyes closed and be led into whatever.

Our universe

Though skeptical about many things that was taught at school, i believed the learned fact that i live on the planet earth and that this planet belongs to the solar system, with the sun at its centre. The milky way was the only galaxy i knew. Today, as i get older, i am becoming aware of the billion galaxies and systems around me. Every individual has his own galaxy. What is at the centre of the system differs from individual to individual. For some, the person himself is at the centre and the rest revolves around him/her and for some, it could be anything - money, power, love, a position, a person, a value, a concept, a lie...and then everything revolves around it

The search

Every night when i close my eyes i see this sea of darkness. I plunge deep into the wetness. I swim and wade through time and distance. On the way i see familiar faces and strange expressions. I want to linger but i realise i can't, nor can they. Everyone is constantly on the move. Reluctantly, i go deeper into the oblivion. Here i see strange creatures and yet they seem mine...they are coming closer...

Garbage

Trash disposal is so essential that we try to have that provision everywhere. Even our computers give us the option to remove unwanted things. What about our own systems? Do we have any trash disposal system working in us? The excretory system takes care of some kinds of disposals. But what about all the other accumulated rubbish? The dissapointments, disillusionments, resentments, fears, shattered hopes, broken hearts, fantasies, wants, unfulfilled desires, negative thoughts & feelings piling up in each body, each house, each street? What do we do with this collective trash? We have been hiding it, shoving it where others cannot see it. But the filth has piled up. We need a thorough cleansing.

Right or wrong

When one has too many options one tends to decide keeping in mind the right course of action. With changing values and expectations it has become even more difficult to know what exactly is right or wrong. When I try to be right in some way, i am being wrong some other way. Things that seem so right to me, are wrong for many. Every day I come across many wrongs being perpetrated by people, but these wrongs are considered right by most. In the name of religion, social systems, traditions and countless other convenient excuses human freedom and emotions are thwarted. Very few even feel that it is wrong. Their right is my wrong. My right is their wrong.

I am living

I have not been scribbling these days. Actually, I have been scribbling quite a lot in my mind. There are so many things happening around me. High-rise buildings come up; majestic, decades-old trees are brought down; Anna Hazare starts anti-corruption campaign; IPL show begins; protests, elections, talks, deals, sai baba's health... Basically, life is alive and kicking and all are engrossed in living...I am so lost in death that nothing alive seems to register. If I scribble I scribble my confusion, my bewilderment, my constant thoughts of a voice I can no longer hear...a hand i can never ever touch

Life goes on...

The earthquake and tsunami in Japan have left the country shaken and shattered. Actually, this disaster has left whole mankind shaken. Thousands of dreams, hopes, desires washed away at one stroke! Life is definitely bizzare.

I have been in Japan(mentally) since this happened and felt the fear and confusion all around. I have heard the multitudes of 'whys' flooding the atmosphere. I could only add one more 'why' to the lot.
A reality that becomes very evident in situations like this is that life goes on...We, humans are like machines programmed to function in any given situation. Japan was being blotted out of the map and some countries away, a cricket tournament was being played out; movies were being released, marriages were being solemnised, fashions were being discussed: the race for money, power and life was on. And here i was, watching the play of life with thoughts of my own future(love, health, happiness)while munching a doughnut...life does go on...

The pain

He knew he was dying. I knew he was dying. We could do nothing. We didn't do anything.

Men rule our minds

Rape - a word that instantly brings gruesome pictures to mind. This act instils absolute fear, anger and disgust in most women. Fear of rape keeps women indoors; fear of rape makes women fear darkness; fear of rape makes women vulnerable. And man, for centuries, has preyed on this fear and used it to subjugate women. He has worked this fear to his advantage. And, he was the one who instilled this fear in women. I am sure there was a time when rape was "not a big deal" but with time it became a big deal. Any form of abuse is a big deal and rape is just that - a form of physical abuse. The day women learn to accept rape as a form of physical abuse and not the end of life will be the day women will be truly liberated. It is definitely the worst kind of physical abuse but it is just that - an act of abuse. We should learn to stop associating more (what men have worked on making us believe in) with it. The trauma will definitely be there, as with any kind of abuse. We have to overcome it like we do with any abuse. A huge repercussion of sex crimes is that it makes women fear and some men want that. This is the only way women's freedom and potential can be thwarted. This is the only way man can dominate. Rape has never been just about sex. Power has a lot to do with it. Man has for centuries made women feel that she is vulnerable because she can be raped. And we have lived with this because it's ingrained deep in our brains. Yes, we have this physical handicap but it does not mean that we should let men get away with bullying us. When a man gets raped why doesn't it become that great a trauma for him or the society? Does a man stop living free just because he was physically assaulted? We, women, should be able to develop the same attitude. We should not let it make us weak and afraid. I know it is a very tough task and we will need centuries to get out of this fear. But, till then, we cannot be truly free and equal to man. Let us not let men rule our minds as well...

Fear rules me

Fear of the unknown. Fear of the dark. Fear of loneliness. Fear! Fear has dominated me. When fear settles in, it leaves little space for emotions like self respect, integrity. I have been plagued by my fears from time immemorial. At any given point of time, I have feared some thing or other. The constant fear has been the fear of time. Time is a sadist adversary. It stalks and slowly tortures you into submission.

Run, run, run - a sermon

Life is a marathon :o
It is a test of our endurance ;)
In this race we need to be disciplined and determined (WT*)
Perseverance is also a must (yawn!)
Like true marathoners, let us be willing runners, and not take part grudgingly (oh!)
Running is an incredible feeling and a very pleasurable experience (yes! yes!)
The pain of this journey is beautiful (???)
It can also be a very lonely experience (of course!)
Let us not run too fast, lest we tire too soon. We ought to maintain the right pace (No probs!)
Let us not let boredom, fear or loneliness bog us down (of course not!)
Let us not give up, not stop (uff)
Keep on running and emerge triumphant - tired yet content! :P

I want to live

I want to breathe. I want to see. I want to hear. I want to feel. I want to sing and dance. I want to love. I want to live. I don't want to die.

When loneliness attacks

I have been attacked many times. Boredom, failure, self-pity, helplessness have tried to take over my mind. But the worst experience I have been through was being attacked by loneliness. This has stalked me and preyed on my mind for decades. I have defended myself successfully and not-so-successfully many times. At last, I have fought bravely and pushed the enemy out of my territory. However, I have realised why I was not able to defeat this enemy all these years even though I had put in all my strength and effort. I was trying, in vain, to win the battle all alone and that was like having a spy from the enemy camp on my side. All my strategies and techniques were failing. Then, as a last resort I took help and lo! loneliness vanished and I(we) emerged victorious.

Losing faith

Gruesome deaths tend to linger on our minds for a long time, maybe forever. Take the case of Aarushi's death, the fact that she was killed in her home and probably by her own father shakes the foundation of our belief in the social system called family. Sowmya's ordeal when she was pushed out of a moving train and raped terrifies us. It is indeed a great cause of concern that there are such abhorable men in this world who can be cruel enough to rape a dying woman. What kind of a person can commit such an act? Our faith in humanity becomes the casuality in such situations. Every time you read about a 3-year-old getting raped by her neighbour or a 12-year-old being murdered by his friends you undergo a terrible loss, the loss of faith in goodness, in mankind...

Uma rants

What do I want? Either I want too many things or nothing at all, how else do I explain this dissonance. I can't even hear myself. Panic-attacks, palpitation, cold-feet - I am experiencing all. These don't affect my desire to just let go and run. Run, run, run....run over the plains, over the hills, roll over the slopes, swim against the tide, plunge into the valley...nothing can stop me or cause me any harm. I have me on my side.

uma is bugging me

I can't be positive all the time. The overstress on the need to be optimistic and positive always is taking a toll on my honesty. If I have to be honest to my feelings I have to give more outlet to my crappy thoughts and feelings. I don't know if there are people who feel good about themselves all the time but I am definitely not one of them. I go through these periods of absolute self-loathing. This loathing can take physiological or psychological dimensions. I may hate my appearance or my nature but I would surely hate me. Like, now, I wish I could shake myself roughly and ask myself to go and take a hike. What the hell! too much is too much! Somebody save me from me..

Bloodthirsty centipede

I was enjoying my early teenage dose of romance with my tall, dark and handsome guy when this shiny, multi-legged, slithery creature let itself into my bedroom. Here I was, lost in my M&B-laced fantasy world with my prince charming on a white horse, and here was this centipede, which did look like a knight in his shiny armour. It crawled in and my heart crawled into my mouth. I am sure even the centipede could hear my heart go thump...thump...thump...because it too froze. The clock and I synchronized our beats. I was paralysed with fear. Then I started to sob uncontrollably. Outside, my dad and mom were horrified, they feared nothing less than a tiger in my room. When I told them, in between sobs, that it was a centipede they had mixed feelings of disappointment and disgust. Not that they ever had any false notion about their daughter's courage-quotient. They did not expect any display of guts from a daughter who told them to come looking for her in case her singing stopped when she went to the kitchen to fetch a glass of water.
Dad asked me to open the door but I could not. The centipede was metres away from the door still I could not make myself move. I kept on howling and staring at it. My dad started to bang on the door as though he was going to break it open to save his daughter's life. The centipede knew it had crawled into the wrong territory. There were three people's lives at stake here - the centipede, my dad and I. The centipede took a smart decision and in split seconds slipped out of the window. One thing is for sure, I must be a legend in the centipede folklore for all the wrong reasons. That centipede would have got the title 'The Human Conqueror'. I still am terrorized by the memories of that creature. I, at times, do tell about this uneventful incident to some hapless beings. So what if I have to resort to little harmless lies like, the centipede was a foot-long and had huge, red bloodthirsty eyes...

Set her free!

We will have to call her alive so that we can grant her death. For the last 36 years Aruna Shanbaug has been confined to a cot in a hospital where she is force-fed and kept alive. Suffering ought to have a limit, a boundary. Here, there has only been ceaseless misery. Aruna's vegetable existence has caused many animated debates on euthanasia. The brutality of the act of the janitor who raped her is dwarfed by fate's cruelty. Her plight is unnerving. She can't feel, think, talk, emote or express. Her body lives because it is made to live forcibly. People talk about good and bad times, they talk about the rainbow that is the hope after the rain. What about her? What has been the rainbow in her life? I wish her death! That might be the rainbow after the unrelenting rain...

My Kutch konnection

I visited the land of theplas, dhoklas and fafdas recently. I had been to Gandhidham to ring in the new year with the people I share my genes with. It is quite an experience to meet people you share your patchy complexion with or speak with a cousin sister who has a voice as irritating as yours. It is fun to watch the play of genes and the interesting outcomes of those games. The instant bond and affinity were so reassuring. Especially when the only green colour I could see around me were some thorny bushes and some dresses! Pigs, dogs, cattle, pigeons and my relatives dominated the landscape. All looked khate-peete ghar ke. Only difference was that my mallu relatives were well-oiled whereas the rest had a dried look to them.
Ten short days we ate, talked, laughed, argued, and ate and ate and ate. It was a little unnerving to see so many people so similar in looks and behaviour. There was much display of emotions. Hugs and kisses were in great supply. There were many get-togethers. All the members seemed to have perfect understanding and love for each other. Yet one could not miss the undercurrents of hatred. However, they have to be lauded for the fact that inspite of some misunderstandings and grudges amongst them the place has taught them to remain together. They do need each other in a place like Gandhidham.
I did feel like an outsider. Though they were my family I had not grown up among them. They could share jokes and laugh about stuff that had happened years ago. They had been through many crises together. I was just there trying to be the family, they had really been the family. I am happy that I could share their lives with them for some days. I have brought back a little bit of everyone with me. I admire their resilience in making a life for themselves in a harsh terrain.
I got back to my city with some Gujarat-special peanuts and memories - both roasted..