First day @ work: 3 versions

I got home all clammy, queasy and shaken. I shivered thinking about the ordeal and hid myself under a blanket. I tried to remove the dreadful sounds and sights out of my mind, however the coldness gripped me and i shivered again. I tried to smother the fear in my gut with food. But, the cold dark place kept haunting me till i found solace in sleep. Then I tossed and turned in sleep tormented by the sound of multiple keyboards, oh-so-intelligent conversations, the soporific meetings....
God! the traumatic experience of  my first day at work!!




Ah! the beautiful music emanating from the keyboards,  the soothing chatter of colleagues, the warm welcome smiles, the kind words, the vibrant vibe in the air, the industrious feel,  the excitement of productiveness, the confidence of purposefulness --- to work is such a joy! What an awesome feeling to be part of a creative process throbbing with constructive ambition! My beautiful first day at work!





Half-a-day spent filling up multiple forms confirming my birth, growth and stupidities. The next half spent grinning and looking all pepped up when all you wanted was to go to the loo; making small formal, semi-formal conversations; feeling like an idiot but trying to look like Mark Zuckerberg; looking around with bambi eyes for a comforting smile or nod; looking at the watch when no one's watching; trying to look busy; and then, finally walking out of that door, breathing in fresh air, and counting the days to the weekend, after that BIG first day at work.

She was a beauty!

Every trip to Kerala is like a visit to a critically-ailing friend. It leaves me feeling sad and helpless.
I flee from the city to my hometown in search of a connect with life. But i don't seem to find it anymore. Garbage mounds, increasing number of concrete buildings, commercialization, changing cultural ethos, and other disturbing changes make me uncomfortable. I no longer get to see the flora i associated with my village visits. Barren plots & dream homes have usurped the position of trees & paddy fields. Palatial houses and grotesque commercial complexes dot the landscape; there was a time when gigantic trees and bamboo groves were ubiquitous. The poverty of the land and people's mind is embarrassing as well as infuriating.
When you witness 'a thing of beauty' gradually fading away, you are privy to the cruelty of time and disagree with Keats that it is 'a joy for ever'. Like Keats i could live in the past and revel in the beauty that existed or be realistic and rue over the ugliness I see.

Evil rules

Year 2011
A girl, gangraped by a minister's goons, commits suicide. Her friend (the witness to the crime), who tries to get justice for her, is meted out the same fate by the same guys. She is raped and dies after being in a coma state for 6 months. The perpetrators, ex-Odisha agriculture minister pradeep maharathy's men, have political backing, of course!

2013
Justice in the case is still awaited, obviously! Would things have been any different even if these crimes were committed by some not-so-powerful guys? Maharathy resigned but the nonchalance and  arrogance with which he flaunted law is scary but not surprising any more.
This whole issue has faded away from the collective memory of the people and none will lose anything except for the people who already have.
My heart goes out to Brishti and Babina who had to undergo so much pain for no fault of theirs. I wonder why people say that the good always wins over the evil...

At the crossroad

Here i am - at the crossroad. A sign here reads- all roads lead to hell...

Bring it on 2013

When  the worst happens, simple acts give you the faith to hang on. A friendly smile, a selfless act, an understanding hug, an empathetic look... make a huge difference. As the year ends, i look back at a year well-lived. Never is life totally sad, bad or bleak, there are always those bright moments that make life worth living. So, cheers to a battle well-fought and bring it on 2013. 

Lost forever

Tragedies leave you feeling helpless and dazed more than shattered. How does one deal with losing loved ones. Some people live yet they are dead for you, and some die and become more alive for you. Recently, i experienced some losses,... felt a friend's pain who lost a brother and a dear friend in the span of a month's time. People who were full of life today were gone the next. How difficult it is to not hear a person again...the person who had so much to share with you and others. I look at the phone numbers and the Facebook accounts of the people who are no more and feel so confused. Why, why did they have to go. I know that it's a stupid question to ask. One can't question the ways of life, which includes death. I can't believe that a person who was so loved by so many people and was so full of love and life just stops being, leaving behind those people to deal with pain and helplessness.

And amidst the painstaking coming to terms with life, you realise that it's not to death that you always lose loved ones. When you lose living people to diseases of the mind, you realise the irony of life. Out of their own choice, people who were there for you today, may not be there tomorrow. You realise life can just mean learning to cope with losses -- loss of  innocence, loss of tolerance, loss of dignity, loss of self respect, loss of faith, loss of love, loss of trust, loss of youth, loss of clarity, loss of perspective -- it's a never-ending list of losses. 

When it rains

Dark rumbling clouds,  expectant trees, the eager earth, quickening steps hurrying to reach destinations, women running to get drying clothes inside, birds seeking shelter, scent of wet soil... 
Clogged drains, traffic jams, commuting problems, closed schools, empty roads...
Joy, mayhem, excitement, despair, destruction, rebirth, life, death - rains never fail to leave an impression!
Never disrespected nor ignored, rain definitely does elicit strong emotions in all. Every single time, its arrival is announced with glee or pain.

As a child...

Getting drenched in the rain was such a joy; it still is, but now, conditions apply...

Running in the rain, feeling the drops on the face...

Looking up at the rain to find the raindrop's origin, following its route till it lands on the face...

Paper boats on little temporary streams...

Running out of home to gather hail...

Hiding inside dad's huge army raincoat, enjoying the warmth and wishing the rain never stopped...

Hindi films convince my gullible mind that rain is a phenomena which does crazy things to some people. It drives some women crazy, who get into white sarees, get drenched, sing songs and go into convulsions. I remember wondering why my mom or any of her friends didn't do the same.

When rain showers romance...

That rainy evening, i was 9, he was 10. We were playing hide and seek (ice spice). Since it was raining we could not hide outdoors. I found refuge inside a scooter cover and he joined me there. The awareness of the rain and this boy sitting so close to me is still so fresh. I can see him taking my hands in his and saying, your hands are so cold...
Special effects – thunder and lightning...

Pensive rain...

I remember those rains when i sat at my window, looking at the rain, wondering at the whole mystery of life and nature. And invariably I ended up feeling very lonely...

Rain also switches on the memory button in you. When the world stops its routine motions due to rains, the mind starts to process thoughts, memories and hopes, heightening the awareness of self and life. It also heightens the joy of food and good company. :)

The beauty...

The mornings after nights of incessant rains are forever-joys that i carry in my heart. The freshly washed trees, leaves and flowers look so content. Water, dripping down in drops everywhere, adds more shades of green to the existing million in kerala. For a while you are in this make-believe world where everything is clean, fresh and beautiful. Humans and animals gingerly step outside to test the new world. And the aroma of mother's food wafting from the kitchen adds another dimension to the perfection. Especially, the sound and smell of crackling firewood. 

Rains always meant power cuts in kerala. In the absolute silence one could hear the music rain created, like the percussion instruments of kerala. Whole nature danced to its beats. In the brief lull one could hear frogs croaking. After the rain, one could see a new world emerging with hitherto unseen species of insects making cautious appearances. Those black nights, heavy with rain, thunder and lightning, i sought refuge in my parents' bed. 

The amazing feeling of swimming when it rains, watching raindrops fall on the water in the pool and taking the onslaught of raindrops lying on your back in the water...awesome...

The fury...

It was in Mumbai. I was supposed to catch a train to Vishakapatnam that night. It had been raining continuously for the past 24 hours and when I stepped out, water reached my chest level. In spite of this i waded through the water in the hope of catching the train. But the scenes that unfolded before me were real scary. When i somehow managed to reach the station after hours, i got to know that train services had been cancelled as the tracks were many feet under water. I could only reach home by early morning. I can never forget that dreadful rainy night. The power and fury of nature...and man's total helplessness...

Then, there was this rain which unleashed the fury in me. I remember walking in the rain, yelling, crying, hurt and burning with rage.

Igot to know the power of rain again when i was caught in a hailstorm. The onslaught was painful and awe-inspiring.

Romance, loneliness, family togetherness, destruction, loss, gain, prosperity, happiness - rains have seen it all.

Lies win

The strongest foundations are laid on lies. Built on falsities -- society & religion -- the success stories of human evolution, have flourished.  

A few whys

why is it that i always see better in the dark at night 

why is it that i always see clear with my eyes closed tight

why is it that all seems wrong when others think my world is alright

why is it that nothing seems wrong or right

why is it that i want to let go and still hold it tight

why is it that i get strong after i lose the fight

why is it that i cannot see black or white

why is it that i want to live and die at the same time

why is it that i speak so much yet have never spoken

why is it that i eat so much yet am so hungry

why is it that i have limbs yet feel handicapped

why do i calculate when i can't divide or multiply

why is it that i stay put though i can fly

why do i seek misery when in joy

why do i seek  joy when in misery 

Molesting faith

20-strong mob molests and strips a girl in public view...
Latest news proclaim that 4 of the accused are nabbed...and there are reports about widespread outrage over the incident. From the common man to heads of states, most have criticized the incident. People have expressed shock. Inquiry commission is constituted, NGOs are actively protesting and demanding for justice. However, how does one arrest a certain kind of thinking? Will closing few assholes, remove the shit all around? Not just a case of crime, this is the product of our collective thinking. When a mob is involved and it carries out an act like this in a public place, it becomes the representative of the society. The perpetrators of this heinous act are not just 20, they represent the multitudes of people, our society. This is the real shock element. There are no protectors, we live among wolves and hyenas. The thought of having to live in this dark and sinister world in constant helpless fear is so infuriating. More than the actual act it is the thought behind it that's scary. If a group of people could get away with such behaviour, the sanction of the society had to be there. No place is safe, no one is good.
Only fear and doubt will remain once the intensity of the seething anger diminishes and fades. What kind of society do we live in? What are my neighbours, my countrymen like? The widespread insensitivity makes one cringe at the thought of having to share one's space with others. Tears of anger, anguish and helplessness wells up. Probably, thousands are, right now, sitting in their living rooms condoning the act. Many blaming the girl for having visited a bar, many for being dressed the way she was, many for her being out at night...
Every day faith, trust and humanity is molested and stripped and we watch and partake in the act..