The pain

He knew he was dying. I knew he was dying. We could do nothing. We didn't do anything.

Men rule our minds

Rape - a word that instantly brings gruesome pictures to mind. This act instils absolute fear, anger and disgust in most women. Fear of rape keeps women indoors; fear of rape makes women fear darkness; fear of rape makes women vulnerable. And man, for centuries, has preyed on this fear and used it to subjugate women. He has worked this fear to his advantage. And, he was the one who instilled this fear in women. I am sure there was a time when rape was "not a big deal" but with time it became a big deal. Any form of abuse is a big deal and rape is just that - a form of physical abuse. The day women learn to accept rape as a form of physical abuse and not the end of life will be the day women will be truly liberated. It is definitely the worst kind of physical abuse but it is just that - an act of abuse. We should learn to stop associating more (what men have worked on making us believe in) with it. The trauma will definitely be there, as with any kind of abuse. We have to overcome it like we do with any abuse. A huge repercussion of sex crimes is that it makes women fear and some men want that. This is the only way women's freedom and potential can be thwarted. This is the only way man can dominate. Rape has never been just about sex. Power has a lot to do with it. Man has for centuries made women feel that she is vulnerable because she can be raped. And we have lived with this because it's ingrained deep in our brains. Yes, we have this physical handicap but it does not mean that we should let men get away with bullying us. When a man gets raped why doesn't it become that great a trauma for him or the society? Does a man stop living free just because he was physically assaulted? We, women, should be able to develop the same attitude. We should not let it make us weak and afraid. I know it is a very tough task and we will need centuries to get out of this fear. But, till then, we cannot be truly free and equal to man. Let us not let men rule our minds as well...

Fear rules me

Fear of the unknown. Fear of the dark. Fear of loneliness. Fear! Fear has dominated me. When fear settles in, it leaves little space for emotions like self respect, integrity. I have been plagued by my fears from time immemorial. At any given point of time, I have feared some thing or other. The constant fear has been the fear of time. Time is a sadist adversary. It stalks and slowly tortures you into submission.

Run, run, run - a sermon

Life is a marathon :o
It is a test of our endurance ;)
In this race we need to be disciplined and determined (WT*)
Perseverance is also a must (yawn!)
Like true marathoners, let us be willing runners, and not take part grudgingly (oh!)
Running is an incredible feeling and a very pleasurable experience (yes! yes!)
The pain of this journey is beautiful (???)
It can also be a very lonely experience (of course!)
Let us not run too fast, lest we tire too soon. We ought to maintain the right pace (No probs!)
Let us not let boredom, fear or loneliness bog us down (of course not!)
Let us not give up, not stop (uff)
Keep on running and emerge triumphant - tired yet content! :P

I want to live

I want to breathe. I want to see. I want to hear. I want to feel. I want to sing and dance. I want to love. I want to live. I don't want to die.

When loneliness attacks

I have been attacked many times. Boredom, failure, self-pity, helplessness have tried to take over my mind. But the worst experience I have been through was being attacked by loneliness. This has stalked me and preyed on my mind for decades. I have defended myself successfully and not-so-successfully many times. At last, I have fought bravely and pushed the enemy out of my territory. However, I have realised why I was not able to defeat this enemy all these years even though I had put in all my strength and effort. I was trying, in vain, to win the battle all alone and that was like having a spy from the enemy camp on my side. All my strategies and techniques were failing. Then, as a last resort I took help and lo! loneliness vanished and I(we) emerged victorious.

Losing faith

Gruesome deaths tend to linger on our minds for a long time, maybe forever. Take the case of Aarushi's death, the fact that she was killed in her home and probably by her own father shakes the foundation of our belief in the social system called family. Sowmya's ordeal when she was pushed out of a moving train and raped terrifies us. It is indeed a great cause of concern that there are such abhorable men in this world who can be cruel enough to rape a dying woman. What kind of a person can commit such an act? Our faith in humanity becomes the casuality in such situations. Every time you read about a 3-year-old getting raped by her neighbour or a 12-year-old being murdered by his friends you undergo a terrible loss, the loss of faith in goodness, in mankind...

Uma rants

What do I want? Either I want too many things or nothing at all, how else do I explain this dissonance. I can't even hear myself. Panic-attacks, palpitation, cold-feet - I am experiencing all. These don't affect my desire to just let go and run. Run, run, run....run over the plains, over the hills, roll over the slopes, swim against the tide, plunge into the valley...nothing can stop me or cause me any harm. I have me on my side.

uma is bugging me

I can't be positive all the time. The overstress on the need to be optimistic and positive always is taking a toll on my honesty. If I have to be honest to my feelings I have to give more outlet to my crappy thoughts and feelings. I don't know if there are people who feel good about themselves all the time but I am definitely not one of them. I go through these periods of absolute self-loathing. This loathing can take physiological or psychological dimensions. I may hate my appearance or my nature but I would surely hate me. Like, now, I wish I could shake myself roughly and ask myself to go and take a hike. What the hell! too much is too much! Somebody save me from me..

Bloodthirsty centipede

I was enjoying my early teenage dose of romance with my tall, dark and handsome guy when this shiny, multi-legged, slithery creature let itself into my bedroom. Here I was, lost in my M&B-laced fantasy world with my prince charming on a white horse, and here was this centipede, which did look like a knight in his shiny armour. It crawled in and my heart crawled into my mouth. I am sure even the centipede could hear my heart go thump...thump...thump...because it too froze. The clock and I synchronized our beats. I was paralysed with fear. Then I started to sob uncontrollably. Outside, my dad and mom were horrified, they feared nothing less than a tiger in my room. When I told them, in between sobs, that it was a centipede they had mixed feelings of disappointment and disgust. Not that they ever had any false notion about their daughter's courage-quotient. They did not expect any display of guts from a daughter who told them to come looking for her in case her singing stopped when she went to the kitchen to fetch a glass of water.
Dad asked me to open the door but I could not. The centipede was metres away from the door still I could not make myself move. I kept on howling and staring at it. My dad started to bang on the door as though he was going to break it open to save his daughter's life. The centipede knew it had crawled into the wrong territory. There were three people's lives at stake here - the centipede, my dad and I. The centipede took a smart decision and in split seconds slipped out of the window. One thing is for sure, I must be a legend in the centipede folklore for all the wrong reasons. That centipede would have got the title 'The Human Conqueror'. I still am terrorized by the memories of that creature. I, at times, do tell about this uneventful incident to some hapless beings. So what if I have to resort to little harmless lies like, the centipede was a foot-long and had huge, red bloodthirsty eyes...